A Letter to My Middle Child

Dear Middle Kiddo,

I know you are hurting this Christmas and wish I could make it go away.  I know that you are struggling when it comes to being with others and dealing with emotions.  Things are either black or white for you and you don't understand when someone teases you in fun.  Going to church is torture and the lights, the sounds or the smells cause you to rip at your skin with your fingernails.  The world around you is not stimulating enough so you search for more.  I know the voices in your head tell you that no one likes you and that is not true.  Anger consumes your being at times and seeing moments from the past brings about great pain, sorrow and loss.  You hear the voices that are telling you lies.  He is not coming back for you; he ran away.  They love you, but they are not here.

You hit yourself and leave bruises because you need to feel something.  You ask what love is because it is not a feeling; it is getting your way and stuff.  You don't know that feeling in your heart and I am very sorry that I have not taught you that yet.  Being off on your own or going into your own world is a way to block everyone out and it hurts, but we understand.  We also want you to understand that we need you in our lives.  The voices in your head say "no" when I say I love you, but they are wrong.  I love you because you are mine.

I don't have the answers for the cops taking you away, the things that you saw and lived through before you came to us.  I wish I did though, it pains me to see you hurting so much.  We have been here for you since you came and have been the ones to tuck you in every night.  I have had to tell you things that no mother should ever have to tell her child.  You were too young to understand and it was not your fault.

Christmas does not feel the same this year.  We are tired and feel numb.  We are trying to get you help and find some of the answers.  No, you will not have to move to another house as a child  every again unless we are all going with you.  You are ours; our gift from God.  It is hard and some days I ask myself what we got ourselves into.  I will not give up on you even when times are bad.  We are in this together.  My sweet middle son, I wish I could take all of the hurt away and make things better, but I can not.  I pray that God will help you learn to accept what life has brought to you in the past and that you can move on.  It is ok to let go and move on.  We want your Christmas to be magical and full of Christ's spirit.  I pray that we can find peace for you.

With love,
Mom